Morris the Duck
THE ADVENTURES OF MORRIS THE DUCK
It had been a cold day in December (NB: Morris lives
in the northern hemisphere because December sounds
better than August) and Morris had been sitting at
home watching The Looney Tunes with his brothers and
sisters. His brother Tony, thought it was quite
disrespectful to ducks everywhere that Daffy was such
a quack - no pun intended. His sister, Bertha, would
not shut up about how sexy she found Elma Fudd (she
had posters in her room - ones that no body knew
about...) Morris, however, sat in between the two and
read the Great Works of Charles Dickens. Yes, Morris
was no ordinary duck. However, the fact that he was
the first duck in the entire world to ever read a book
cover to cover didn't make him the most popular duck
in the pond.
Feeling very alone in the world, and lacking a strong
male role model (his father was killed in the infamous
Battle for Bread of 1973), Morris decided to waddle
away from home. Although Morris was brilliant on an
interlectual level, he lacked in physical fitness.
Alas, he was not a fast waddler and his brother Tony
soon caught up with him.
"Where do you think you're going?" Tony asked him.
Morris stopped abruptly.
"To the land of the free" Morris replied. "Where ducks
are no longer judged by the colour of their feathers,
but by the content of their intellectual
capabilities."
"Has Mum been reading you that Ugly Duckling book
again?" Morris ignored his brother's ignorance.
"They may take my life, but they'll never take my
freedom." Morris said and continued on, leaving Tony
baffled by the fact that his brother was suddenly
talking with a Scottish accent.
It was around the next corner that Morris ran into the
great wise old duck called Rubber. Although Morris had
never heard it, there were rumours that Rubber was so
famous that those in the human world had written a
song about him.
"Halt there, young Morris.' The great wise old duck
said. "Where are you going?"
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high."
"Stop!" Rubber Ducky exclaimed. "Just because you're
named after a deceased Bee Gee doesn't give you the
right to polute the world with quoted song lyrics!
Besides, you don't do it justice. Judy Garland was
such a pretty little bird (once again, no pun
intended)."
But Morris ignored him and walked on, leaving Rubber
Ducky to go back to his bath.
As the sun began to set Morris found himself out the
back of a restaraunt. Oh no! I hear you cry - Morris
is going to get eaten! And suddenly you begin to
question whether indeed this will be a happy
fairy-tale-type story, or whether it is about to take
a morbid turn for the worse. Is Hannibal the Chef
lurking behind the restaraunt door?? Will Morris's
mother get to him in time or will Morris end up on the
plate surrounded by vegetables and covered in gravy,
while someone out the front argues with the waiter
about the bill (pun very much intended and kind of
sickening really)???
...to be continued
MORRIS: RELOADED
When we last left Morris the Duck, he had run away
from home and waddled for miles, and by sunset had
found himself out the back of a restaraunt owned by
Hannibal the Chef. We continue the story there...
The back door opened and the great Hannibal towered
over Morris.
"Agggghhhh!" Morris said, when he saw that the big
Greek man was holding a large wooden spoon. But he did
not exclaim in terror, as some would have you believe.
Rather it was an elaborate Kung-Fu call. You see, in
all of Morris's extensive readings he had become an
expert on Tai-qon-do, Kung-Fu and Gi-Hi-Jo (okay, so I
made that one up). He had also studied Newton's Laws
of Thermodynamics and he understood the way the world
worked. It was because he understood these rules that
he was able to "bend" them. He moved faster than any
duck every had. Hannibal was amazed.
"I will crush you with my wooden spoon!" He hollered.
"There is no spoon" Morris replied, in a very Keanu
Reeves kind of voice, and he did a back flip and
struck Hannibal on the nose. Hannibal fell back
unconscious and Morris landed softly on his webbed
feet. He then began to move through kitchen, so fast
he was a blur. He opened all the cages and unplugged
the fridge (so the cryogenically frozen animals would
defrost and go free) and dodged the frozen pees that
the kitchen hand was pegging at him.
And then he stopped. The silence was thick. The room
was in disarray. The restaraunt staff and patrons had
fled. But something wasn't right, he could sense it.
Suddenly Rubber the Duck stepped out from behind the
door.
"Rubber Ducky!" Morris said. "What are you doing
here?"
"Congratulations, Morris." Rubber replied, slowly
walking towards him. "You passed the test. You are The
One."
"No." Morris replied. "Rubber Ducky, you're The One.
It says so in the song!"
"I mean the One who will save us, Morris. The One from
the prophesy. Let me tell you something. This is not
all as it appears. I want to show you how far the
rabbit hole goes."
"Ah, Alice in Wonderland." Morris picked up on the
literary reference. "A great book by Lewis Caroll. Did
you ever read Through the Looking Glass?"
"Shut up, my young apprentice. Much to learn you
have."
What does Rubber have to teach Morris about the real
world? What relevations await outside the kitchen? Can
Morris teach Rubber a few things about grammar or will
he insist on continuing the Yoda impressions? What
smart-alec puns and film references can Matt squeeze
into the next installment? You'll have to wait and
see...
Morris & The Order of the Phoenix...coming to an Inbox
near you (and also a part of the Oprah Winfrey Book
Club I might add)....
[N.B. This episode is an original. Any similarities to
The Matrix are entirely coincidental....really]
MORRIS & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
When we last left Morris he had surprised us all with
his logic-bending powers and Rubber Ducky had promised
to show him how far the rabbit hole went....we
continue the story there...
Rubber took Morris to Phoenix Train Station and bought
two tickets to the train leaving from platform 9&3/4.
"Morris, your father was not really killed in the
Battle for Bread of '73." Rubber said "He was taken
away because he had the same unique powers that you
have. They called him a freak. They called him an
X-duck - a mutant! And so he fled to the place where
all of those with special powers have been hiding from
persecution. Hogwarts Summer Camp!"
"So I'm supposed to free them am I?" Morris asked.
"Is that why I'm the One?"
"There was a prophesy. There would be One. One to Rule
them all. One to find them. One to bring them all and
in the darkness bind them. There is also a rumour that
he will, and I quote, 'make your bathtime lots of
fun'."
"I've heard that first bit somewhere before." Morris
said. "In a really long, drawn-out movie recently"
"Yes, one of those crackpot old English writers stole
it off me. One of those ones with initials instead of
first names - J.K? C.S? No, J.R.R., that was it.
I think they must have all had illiterate parents."
The train arrived at Phoenix Station and Morris
noticed
the large statue of a bird on the front. And then he
saw the numbers on the carriages. 1, 7, 4, 6, 3.
"They're all out of order." He said arrogantly.
"No, it's a very special order." Said Rubber. "It's
the Order of the Phoenix" (oh dear he's getting
desperate!!!)
But suddenly, before they could get on the train a
large figure stood in front of them. It was a spirit
who had occupied a human, using the human (Michael
Jordan) to do evil doings. It could only be one
spirit:
Voldermaut (or however you spell it - Harry Potter
fans, feel free to correct me).
Morris adopted his favourite Kung-Fu pose and
challenged Michael Jordan with a beckoning finger.
They moved like lightening through the station,
ricocheting off the walls, smashing each other into
pilons and crashing onto the tracks. Another train
came rushing through and Morris was able to use his
super powers to push Michael Jordan in front of the
moving train. (If you're having trouble imagining
this, then go and watch the Matrix again. It's really
uncanny - there's a scene just like this!) Morris
joined Rubber on the platform and brushed his hands
together.
"Well, there you go." Morris said. "Now, he'll HAVE to
retire"
"Come, not much time we have" Rubber said because he
had taken to always ending the chapter with a Yoda
impression. "We must rescue your father before it's
too late."
Will they be able to rescue Morris's father in time?
What new adventures await them at Hogwarts? Will this
story ever end or is it just going to drag on and on
and on and on until Matt runs out of lame jokes and
famous movie scenes? You'll have to find out in the
next installment (because he hasn't run out yet):
Morris Episode IV: Attack of the Puns
MORRIS EPISODE IV: ATTACK OF THE PUNS
When we last left Morris he had climbed aboard the
train to Hogwarts to rescue his father and find out
more about his calling as The One. We continue the
story on their arrival...
"It's a space station!" Morris said as they got off
the train.
"Yes." Rubber replied. "We had an old castle in a
magical land, but we traded it in for this baby.
Morris - I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Queen
Armadillo"
Morris turned....and stopped. She was the most
beautiful thing he'd ever seen and instantly it was
like Donald & Daffy, Mickey & Minnie, Charles
&.....Camilla. She waddled towards him seductively and
put out her hand. (If you're having trouble imagining
this, it's uncanny, she looked just like a
duck-version of Natalie Portman!) Morris knew he
needed to switch on his ultra-charm powers. In his
journeys through the library he had read plenty of
books, like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
and "The Five Love Languages". He thought he was well
qualified, so he went to work.
"Ummmm.....wow." Okay, not a good start - try again.
"Queen Armadillo, God was showing off when he made
you.You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem
of Calculus. Life without you would be like a pencil
without lead....pointless. My love for you is like
diarrhea...I can't hold it in. Do you believe in love
at first sight, or should I walk by again? Sorry, I
forgot to introduce myself, my name's Mr. Right. I
hear you've been looking for me?"
Rubber Ducky decided to leave them to it and excused
himself to throw up.
"A pleasure to meet you Morris." Queen Armadillo said.
"Do you have any raisins?"
"I'm sorry?"
"How about a date?" She said and grinned. He was
hooked. They walked through the space station and she
told him about the Rebellion and about the special
powers and about this pimple she'd had on her back for
the last week and couldn't quite squeeze. "They told
be I would fall in love with The One, Morris. I'm just
glad it was you because they thought this Rowan
Atkinson look-a-like was The One for a while there and
I was getting worried."
"Oh, Queen Armadillo" Morris said.
"Oh, Morris" Queen Armadillo said.
"You must be tired. You've been running through my
dreams all night." Morris said, and he kissed her.
(Collective Awwww from the audience) But someone was
watching them - someone with a dark secret. Someone
with a voice like James Earl Jones. Someone more
powerful than Morris could ever imagine....
What surprises await just around the corner? What is
the dark force that hangs nearby, watching the new
duck lovers? Will they live happily every after or is
their entire world about to be shattered? You'll have
to wait and see in the second last episode:
Morris: International Duck of Disaster.
I should inform you that the Morris Omnibus will be
published later in the year by Random House
Publishers. It will include all 6 episodes and will be
available in all ABC shops, centers and good book
retailers. Also, a tele-movie is currently in
negotiation with rumours circulating that Plucka-Duck
is set for a return to silver screen for the title
role.
Disclaimer: I have tried the best I can to duplicate
the cheesiness of George Lucas's romance writing in
this episode, but I fear I have failed miserably. For
the best example of a queasy romance cooked to
perfection, please refer to Star Wars Episode II:
Attack of the Clones. Much to learn I have.
MORRIS: INTERNATIONAL DUCK OF DISASTER
When we last left Morris he had arrived at the
Hogwarts Space Station to rescue his father and fallen
passionately in love with Queen Armadillo. We resume
the story there...
Morris woke up in his Hogwarts apartment to the sound
of banging on the door. He rubbed his eyes and tried
to remember the night before. And then he hear singing
in the shower - a girl's singing. Queen Armadillo -
what had he done? Morris climbed out of bed and opened
the door. It was Rubber.
"Good morning." Rubber said. "You missed quite a dance
party last night, it went for ages. I guess you
were.....busy. Come with me." (That was a reference to
that rather drawn out scene in The Matrix: Reloaded
for those of you who missed it) Morris left the
apartment and followed Rubber through Hogwarts Space
Station while Rubber explained some things to him. "It
seems your father has gone....missing. Security
reported a disturbance a few days ago and he hasn't
been seen since. Which means there is a new plan - we
need to get you into an intense training program, and
fast. We suspect the Dark Side, lead by The Dark Duck,
have taken him and only you can bring him back."
They arrived in the Training Room and Rubber left him
with an instructor.
"First we will be studying the art of flying" said the
instructor. "We have all 4 Superman movies. We
considered the animated series, but in our expert
opinion Christopher Reeves has a better techniue.
After that we have the complete series of Karate Kid
movies and then we'll sit you down infront of the
Street Fighter video game for some hands-on
experience. Get you making some of those grunting
noises. Might even bring in the Williams sisters if
you're still having trouble."
"But I've learnt all I know from reading books."
Morris protested.
"You're not a duckling anymore, Morris." The
instructor said. "The time has come for you to
progress to higher levels of education, completely
government funded of course. It's strictly television
and Playstation for you."
Suddenly Morris was swamped from behind. At least
twenty little ducklings, running around him, waving
pieces of paper. "Can we have your autograph Mr.
Morris?" "Wow - it's really Morris, the son of The
Master...." "You snap photo wit me Morris?" It
appeared he had gained quite a reputation, news of his
incredible speed and super powers had gone ahead of
him. He looked up and saw their team leader, a rather
attractive duck (although not comparable to Queen
Armadillo - think Mandy Moore Vs. Natalie Portman -
not bad, just not quite there, if you know what I
mean) was smiling at him.
"The great Morris the Duck." She said. "We've heard a
lot about you. You are single handedly responsible for
increasing duck literacy levels world-wide. So thank
you."
"I do what I can." Morris replied.
"You arrived with your father I hear." She said.
"No - my father is missing, but I will be leaving soon
to find him." She nodded, uncertain. Suddenly there
was a gasp from the crowd of ducklings and they all
stepped back. Morris turned and there was Rubber
Ducky. The ducklings were in awe. "It's The Master"
someone said. Morris was confused but he didn't have
to wait long. Rubber Ducky dismissed the the fan club
and told them to go back to their game of "Duck, Duck,
Goose".
"Morris, there's something I didn't tell you." Rubber
said. "I am your father....."
"Noooooooo!!!!!" Morris screamed.
"What's wrong? It's not that bad is it? We can be
pals, go to father and son camps, I can teach you how
to shave...."
"But Rubber, you're bald. Balding genes are hereditary
dammit! I'll have to get on to that Hair Company
before it's too late. How many bald superhero's do you
know of?"
"Calm down Morris, there are more pressing matters at
hand." Rubber said and they began to walk, Morris
checking for loose feathers. "The forces of darkness
have massed, Morris. They call themselves The Mighty
Ducks and they wear ice hockey helmets. There is news
that they are coming this way. We must work together
to defend mutant ducks everywhere Morris, my son."
"Stop saying that, it's freaking me out." Morris
replies. "Don't you ever feel guilty about leaving us?
You know we existed on a single-parent pension for
most of our lives because of you. We lacked a strong
male role model. You know my brother is now gay - not
that there's anything wrong with that."
BANG! An explosion rocked the space station and
suddenly pilons were falling and walls were exploding.
Smoke surged through the corridors and flames licked
the ceiling. "We're under attack!" Someone yelled.
"The lookout has spotted the Flying V - incoming!"
Another explosion! Morris and Rubber saw the green &
white exit sign and ran for the door.
And then they stopped. Standing in the smoke was a
black figure - covered from head to toe in a midnight
cloak. The Dark Duck. And suddenly The Dark Duck fired
at them and before Morris could do anything, Rubber
fell. The Dark Lord disapearred in the smoke and
Morris dropped to his father's side. He pulled him
close.
Sqeak!
"Rubber Ducky!" Morris said. "When I squeeze you, you
make noise!"
"The time has come for you to take over Morris. Rid
the world of The Dark Duck - save the others. Only you
can do it now." And slowly Morris's father died in his
arms.
Through his tears Morris managed some final words to
his Dad. (you guessed it - all together now) "Rubber
Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you."
And then he stood up. He vowed revenge. He would hunt
down the Dark Duck before it was too late. He would
avenge his father's death. And then he had a horrible
thought. The space station was falling around him and
his love, Queen Armadillo, was still in the shower!
(Women!) He ran for the stairs.
Will Morris save Queen Armadillo in time? Will he
avenge his father's death and kill The Dark Duck? Will
he save all the little smart ducklings from the
collapsing Hogwarts? Will he be able to accomplish all
this in one final episode? (Of course not, he's a guy
- we can't do more than one thing at a time) Maybe
he'll prove them wrong - he is a superhero after
all... You'll have to wait and see in the final
chapter:
Morris Forever.
MORRIS FOREVER
Morris ran at lightning speed through the smoke filled
corridors and the flaming pillars of steel (please
ignore the fact that steel isn't flamable - it's all
in the name of special effects). He got to his room,
where he left Queen Armadillo in his shower. He
expected her to still be in there, I mean after all,
it had only been a few hours.... The shower was still
running - but the Queen was gone! Morris turned off
the water, because he cared about the environment, and
was about to sprint back out of his room when he saw a
note on the bed.
"I have taken the Queen" It read. "Signed - the Dark
Duck (DD for short)"
In the corridor the attractive team leader from
earlier was ushering her ducklings along according to
standard evacuation procedures.
"Have you seen Queen Armadillo?" Morris asked. The
attractive team leader shook her head. "What about the
Dark Duck?" Morris demanded.
"Towards the train station" She replied. "But you'd
better hurry." And as he darted away she looked after
him wistfully. "Morris - I love you..." She said under
her breath, her heart all aflutter. But Morris was
already gone, and besides - he already had a woman. He
was not THAT kind of duck. (Gotta love these subplots
eh - they're coming in from all directions!)
When he arrived at the station, the train was just
pulling out. Morris ran, he leapt, he flew through the
air, he felt the wind in his feathers and he used his
incredible slow-motion, lotus-position jump to land on
the back of the train. As it began to move faster and
faster he pulled himself along the roof - desperate to
save his duckette in distress. Suddenly he heard the
engines rev - the sound of them preparing to make the
jump to lightspeed. He knew that sound. He held on for
dear life and suddenly the train leapt foward and the
stars turned into lines of light around him. He pulled
himself forward and climbed into the hatch of the
middle carriage. (Some silly quack had left the hatch
opened - guaranteed someone would be losing their job
later....)
Morris landed in the middle of the carriage and no
sooner was he on his feet than he heard the Queen
scream. It was coming from further down the train and
he moved quickly. He opened the door to the caboose
when BAMM!!! - suddenly he was hanging from the
ceiling in a net. (Where do they get these nets from
anyway? They always seem to have nets just lying
around...) He looked through the net and there in
front of him was The Dark Duck - complete with black
hood and cloak. Then the Dark Duck spoke.
"Morris - this is the part where I explain everything
to you for the sake of the viewers. I mean, if I just
killed you now then the audience would be left
wondering, and wondering equals dissatisfied customers
and dissatisfied customers equals less money at the
box office - so you'll just have to bare with me." But
the voice of the Dark Duck was a woman's voice.
"You're a duckette!" Morris exclaimed. "Come on, this
is taking the whole women's lib thing a bit far,
wouldn't you say?"
And then the Dark Duck removed it's hood - it was
Queen Armadillo! GASP!!!!
"Morris, in the beginning there were two ducks.
Donald, the white duck, and Daffy - the black duck.
Many people don't know this, but Donald was a white
supremacist and for years he persecuted Daffy and all
of his offspring. So Daffy fled and took his clan with
him, setting up a Dark Duck clan in another part of
the galaxy. Before Donald died he had all of the
history books doctored and no one was ever told about
the Dark Ducks. You grew up in a world of ignorance
Morris! But no - not anymore. The Dark Ducks have
risen again, and with our Mighty Duck army the
rebellion has become strong under my leadership.
Revenge is sweet Morris - and the great city of
Duckdom will soon be ours. And we will kill to get
that power - starting with you... I heard about you,
Morris, son of Rubber Duck, the great master. Morris -
you were the one who was supposed to bring peace, they
said. I don't want peace - I want revenge!!!
Mwahahaha!!!!" (That was an evil laugh in case you
were wondering)
Suddenly Morris withdrew his laser pointer from his
back pocket and cut through the rope net. He dropped
to the ground and said "Not if I can do anything about
it!" The Dark Duck fled onto the roof of the train and
Morris was right behind him. Remeniscent of the final
scene of Mission Impossible (woah - coincidence!) they
climbed along the roof of the train as it travelled
through hyperspace. And then Morris had a brilliant
idea. He remembered the principles of inertia - the
tendency of an object in motion to stay in motion and
suddenly he gripped to the top of the train with all
his might, because he knew what was coming.
Sure enough the train dropped from light speed,
suddenly slowing. Morris felt the pressure, but his
superior strength prevailed and he watched as Queen
Armadillo went flying forward and disapeared into the
depths of space. Morris climbed back down into the
train and went up to the cabin. He had no trouble
disabling the driver and he turned it round and
steered it back towards Hogwarts.
Morris landed the train and gathered the remaining
ducks together in the smouldering city of Hogwarts.
Dark Ducks and White Ducks together in harmony -
holding candles and waving them in the air. (Where did
they get the candles, you ask. Good question - I'd
love to know, but it did seem fitting) Morris climbed
on top of a smoking platform and addressed the crowd.
"There is a lesson to be learned - a moral to the
story." He said. "We must live in harmony. We will
establish a new city - Duckdom. We will live together
as one. I tell you this, think not what Duckdom can do
for you, but what you can do for Duckdom!" And there
was tremendous applause because Morris had proved
after all that he was the One. He had brought peace to
the colonies and he was named President of Duckdom for
a 4 year term, at which time there would be democratic
elections and lower and upper houses of Parliament
would be put in place.
Morris....Forever.
POSTSCRIPT:
Morris the Duck started in the early months of 2003 in one insanely bored moment. Perhaps if I had known how it would take hold I never would have embarked on the journey, but then I never would have been able to experience what I experienced.
The six episodes were sent to an audience of at least 30 people of a period of six weeks. What followed was nothing short of a phenomenen.
Morris changed my life in more ways than one and I hope that somehow his message of peace and hope will touch your heart the way that it did mine.
I believe Morris's story will spread and with breakthrough's in technology this one little duck will travel to all corners of the globe.
Please drop me a line at mstano@yahoo.com if you find that his story has touched you...
...and in the meantime, let us spread the word of Morris and let his tale shape the course of history...
Yours sincerly,
Matt
N.B. This is not a cult.
